A Layne Post
I gotta be honest, sometimes I struggle to see the goodness of the Lord. In these moments, I exercise my faith; I make a deliberate choice to trust in Him, many times through tears. The past week or so has been like that for me.
Joanna, a 26-year-old friend at the hospital, died on Tuesday. I wish it would have been sooner. I’ve known her for about 5 or 6 months. When she came to the hospital this time, she was so thin, and her open wound from her amputated arm was bigger, more infected. She had been at home for two months; I’m not sure why she hadn’t come sooner.
There wasn’t anything anyone could do for her. I tried to ease some pain, make her comfortable in little ways such as bringing her favorite juice, or the red apples she liked to eat. (I couldn’t believe she could down the whole red apple! I would watch in amazement, happy for some satisfaction, though it was usually followed by some stomach discomfort.) She would say to me, “Amiga, estou mal,” which translates, “Friend, I am bad.” I would tell her understand, that I could see that she was bad, I could see that she was suffering. Sometimes someone just needs to be seen, to be heard.
She had this frown. It was Joanna. It was her being in pain. During her last few days, it was her frown I could recognize beneath the swollen face and mumbling words.
As it often does, it got to the point she wasn’t coherent. Every once in awhile she would make eye contact, and I would praise the Lord I was there to rub her arm. I didn’t want her to be alone… still I would leave her. I would sing songs over her, asking for the Holy Spirit to come, to fill her with joy, peace, and love. I would pray for visions of heaven, of good things, to be before her eyes. I would pray for the Lord to call her to Himself.
And then in the midst of those prayers, I would get angry and frustrated, not seeing any answers from the Lord. She still suffered. It still lasted a long time. I wasn’t with her when she passed.
Sometimes I struggle through the journey I’ve been called to walk. In the end, I love Him more… I really do, and I pray others have somehow felt His love through me.
This is a song we sang this week by an artist named Tim Hughes, and I feel like it expresses my current state well:
When the Tears Fall
I’ve had questions, without answers
I’ve known sorrow, I have known pain
But there’s one thing, that I’ll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You’re true
When hope is lost, I’ll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I’ll call You healer
When silence falls, You’ll be the song within my heart
In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me and sustain me
My defender, forevermore
I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering still I will sing
“I see you.” That is compassion.
Layne,
I have such a sense of how much you honor God and His heart for people as you sit by their bedside and love them in His name. I can’t imagine doing it myself, so it tells me you are greatly anointed to love people in this capacity and I thank God for people like you, who carry His love in this way, I bless you and pray for grace, peace and strength and you come closer to the time when Anaya will officially join your lives. What a joy beyond words awaits you!!!
Love,
Kelli Young (Anna Jacks mom)
The Divine Mysterious One we serve. How can He be the healer when our pain remains? Savior when death still comes to steal life? Comfort when our sorrow doesn’t seem to abate? And yet, somehow He is all those things and so much more than we can ever hope to describe or comprehend. Today, I’m praying for a deeper understanding of the character of this God who seems the epitome of paradox.
Sometimes you can’t improve on words already spoken. Those are the times I am thankful for the cut-and-paste features on my computer.
“The Divine Mysterious One we serve. How can He be the healer when our pain remains? Savior when death still comes to steal life? Comfort when our sorrow doesn’t seem to abate? And yet, somehow He is all those things and so much more than we can ever hope to describe or comprehend. Today, I’m praying for a deeper understanding of the character of this God who seems the epitome of paradox.”
Thanks Anna.
And, Layne, I hate that Joanna’s pain and suffering was so long and horrible. I am glad that she reached the end. I hope she woke up in the arms of Jesus.
ive been thinking lately about how everything passes before his eyes, and how much he doesnt stop. his firm stance in true righteousness, and all that. how we have chosen the sin and its consequences, and he watches and cries and calls to us. and in perfection moves at the right time– gosh it blows my mind. i guess i wanted to share that w you, because its similar. its been a huge part of my thoughts.
in the places that feel unimportant, where i decide to let someone hurt me potentially by laying my heart open to them.
in places that feel more important, where you decide to hurt w physically dying people, to let them know they are loved.its ultimately all the same, and its hard. i hear you and see you, too, layne.
Praying for you Layne, and Jon too..Love you
Jon and Layne,
I am praying lots for you both – for little Anaya, and God’s will and timing with Casa Ahava – for continued courage/encouragement and perseverance in the midst of the challenges.
Much love and care